QUICK: How long was Noah in the Belly of the Whale?
BzTT! Time's Up
Answer: (You're going to hate yourself if you said three days!)
Fact is, Noah wasn't in the belly of the whale. It was Jonah that ended up with the sushi in the belly of the great fish.
A long time ago God said to Jonah, 'Jonah, I want you to go to Ninevah and tell them to repent or I'll bring down a giant whupping on their @ss.'
So Jonah said to God, 'Sure, God, I'm pretty busy but I'll try to work it into my schedule.'
Then Jonah got on a boat that was sailing in the opposite direction from Ninevah, saying to himself, why does God always pick me to do his preaching, I'm not going to Ninevah, it smells and the people talk funny.
But while Jonah was on the ship, a great storm came along and if not for the courage of the tiny crew the Minnow 1BC would be lost.
The Skipper said to his first mate, Gilley, what did we do to God that he sent this storm to wreck havoc on our tiny ship?
Gilley said, maybe it has something to do with our party with Ginger and MaryAnn last night?
But the Skipper was a rightious man and said to Gilley, 'Someone on this ship has angered the Lord. We must draw straws to see who it was.'
So the Skipper and Gilley hauled on board the passenger who had been cowering from the storm and they took straws and shortened one and then each drew a lot.
A little lot is what Jonah drew. That's when he realized the ship was in the middle of the storm because he went away from Ninevah. That city was having a a whupping good time and didn't know it was waiting for Jonah to come along and tell it now is the time to repent.
So the Skipper and Gilligan threw the millionaire Jonah overboard and in no time at all the sea calmed and they could finish their three hour tour.
Jonah, meanwhile tried to remember how to swim, or learn how to drown.
But God had other plans.
A great fish swallowed up Jonah but couldn't swallow the seaman, so after three days of Rolaids, Tums and Milanta, the great fish spit out Jonah on the shore of the city of Ninevah.
Smelling of rotten fish, Jonah immediately went to the king of the city and told him the story of what the Lord told him and that the people of Ninevah should repent and wear sack cloth (burlap bags from the feedstore) and ashes (the residue of burned things) so that God would spare the great city from a big old @ss whupping.
So the king decreed that Jonah's words be heeded and the city was saved.
And Jonah said to himself, from now on I'm going to do what God tells me to do the first time he tells me.
Copyright © 2005 by Anthony Buccino, all rights reserved. Content may not be used for commercial purposes without written permission. Updated May 2008
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